I fucking caught them. For the first time since 2018. I am in love? This doesn’t happen to the addicted… or does it? I can barely remember the last time I felt love. Or anything stronger than lust (which to be honest, I feel all the time, and is a vacuous and loose emotion). I.FELT.LOVE. …
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The Past, the Present, the Future
I sat and looked at myself in the mirror recently. I have aged. I have changed. (I was not unaware of this). But it was distinctly obvious. I face mortality. Unlike many my age, I probably have 20-30 years more. What does this time look like? Will I leave a legacy? Am I worth a …
Twenty Years
Many years, it took, to train my brain to dig, fight and yearn for the dopamine high. It’s not a disease. It’s a habit. A learned behaviour. Like a mouse to the buzzer. Repeated rewards. Repetitive chasing. Longing for that hit. It wasn’t always drugs. It may have been a video game. It may have …
The Descent
Sometimes, it happens really quickly. A few things kind of turned against us and before we know it, we are coping in ways we used to see as acceptable and comforting. But they aren’t When you are descending, the time for reflection becomes poignant. You’ve been here before. You’ve felt this before. You are still …
Lose Yourself to Find Yourself
It’s not true. Well, some profundity may be experienced in the realm of delving into your mind, altering your consciousness to a point where your perspective changes. But, at some stage, you’re going to need to stop trying to lose yourself, otherwise, simply put, you will never find yourself again. Stop trying to lose your …
Redemption
It’s possible. We might even, crave it. Many years, people looked over us. We were passed us over. Occasionally someone took notice. Fuck, what you could be. There’s some kind of potential there, who knows where, but it’s somewhere you could go. There’s a crutch, there’s a niggling injury. Something which holds us back. We’re …
SHAME
I feel it often. It’s an insidious feeling that I cannot quite understand. I am ashamed of my past. I am ashamed of my progress in life. Ashamed to be, by definition, stuck in the same place. I cycle through phases, round and round through old routines, and rarely break the mould. Actually, it’s a …
Broken record, I am
I could write a paragraph about the same shit. I could write a paragraph about the possibility of change, about how it’s right there waiting for me to grab it by the horns. But this blog is for me. And the truth is, I want this to be reality. That reality is probably not mine. …
Decide what you want.
I’ve been sitting here wondering who can help me figure out a conundrum. I’m aware of what I need to do to get my life on track. I’m somewhat aware of how I can do these things, to get my life on track. Write a plan they say, break it down. Small steps, small gains. …
Regret
We’re surrounded by debris of the past… thinking about what could have been. What should have been. I am lost in my current position. Regret is a strong emotion. Apparently, if you’re feeling it, you’re living in the past. You’re remembering decisions and actions which you no longer have the power to affect. I can’t …
The Addiction Paradox 