The Addiction Paradox

Decide what you want.

I’ve been sitting here wondering who can help me figure out a conundrum. I’m aware of what I need to do to get my life on track. I’m somewhat aware of how I can do these things, to get my life on track. Write a plan they say, break it down. Small steps, small gains.

Don’t let it snowball

Don’t be too hard on yourself, set close goals and hit them. My problem is, writing a plan won’t make me stick to it. The tendency to simply ignore the plan and do whatever I am inclined to in the moment is greater than my ability to stick to a plan I’ve written down previously.

I can’t trick myself into completing steps of a plan if I don’t want to do them. So how does one progress?

For a fleeting moment, I imagined posting this thought on a forum somewhere, with the final question, how can I make myself stick to a plan?

And some random internet stranger rationalizing… “if you don’t complete these tasks you’ve set for yourself, you obviously don’t want to do them. Realistically, you need to decide what it is that you do want.“

Because, if you want anything in life that you can’t get straight away when you wake up tomorrow, it’s likely going to take days, weeks, months and years of life to achieve it. You’ll need to set a goal. And you’ll need to break it down into small achievable tasks. Small steps, small gains. Change is inevitable but for it to be in your favour, you’ll need to fucking work for it. And life doesn’t last forever.

So what is that you want in this life?

Regret

We’re surrounded by debris of the past… thinking about what could have been. What should have been. I am lost in my current position. Regret is a strong emotion. Apparently, if you’re feeling it, you’re living in the past. You’re remembering decisions and actions which you no longer have the power to affect. I can’t change these now. And I know this, but still I dwell… I dwell on my actions in history.

I cannot forget the mistakes I made.

Countless decisions, some of the same decisions made over and over again. Decisions, which, I probably would have known better to not make, if I chose to care. These were not decisions I made to better my life.

Decisions I made because fuck it

These were decisions I made because I chose not to care. Decisions I made because fuck this and fuck that. Decisions I made at the end of my tether. Choices which were apt at a time that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to choose wisely. I was angry, or frustrated.

I led myself down this road.

Usually, the anger is about circumstances of my life. They’re usually circumstances which I can no longer control. YET, the decisions I made in my life lead up to this instance. Indirectly, I chose to be here, and I can no longer properly control this situation, so fuck it, let’s get drunk.

Alcohol. The ever-growing crux of an addict. All the other things are worse, right?

I was never even compelled by alcohol. Yet how it’s allowed me to make so many poor decisions throughout my life.

Where do I begin and where do I end? Somewhere within the abyss of choice, I exist as a soul who just wants some stability in this world of madness. I am lost. I am undecided. I am unsure. What would it be like to be sure? What is it like to know what you want, to know where you want to be? Is this a lack of emotional maturity? Is this a lack of motivation or drive? Is this simply a cross roads, and if so, how many times must I cross them, until I find a clear path?

I regret many of my past decisions. I regret where I am. I even regret who I am; because my choices lead me here to who I am. I am an embodiment of regret. That’s bad, right?

How do you plan for the future? I’m never in it for the long game. I’m in it for the now game. This is a fundamental reason why I’m so bad at life.

A life lesson, there.

discipline

It’s not something you have or not.

It’s a cycle of behaviour. You can be disciplined. You can act disciplined. But it’s not an attainable aspect of character which you may learn and have forever more. You’ll never have discipline. You’ll need to constantly behave in a disciplined way to be disciplined. Therein lies the challenge.

Always needing to go against the urges which lead me down an undisciplined path. Wayward. Loose. What are rules if they’re not meant to be broken? Rules are a set of guidelines to lead one to success. To maintain discipline. I hate rules. I inherently do not set rules for myself, I set guidelines. Guidelines, which can be bent to suit the moment.

A path, which will surely lead to a lack of discipline, and broken rules.

Not today. Not this time. Tomorrow. Next time.

Mary Jane: The Companion

She’s the companion you never knew you needed. Maybe, a manifestation of the companion you always wanted.

Weed, becomes a friend, when you least expect it, and can insidiously affect your life. Usually warming. Often calming. Embracing. Uplifting-smiling. Maryjane is at her best. She’s the star. She’s the heat. She’s the driver. You’re in the second seat.

Intense, memoir, neo-noir, shifting of the shapes.

Music plays, relax the gaze, you’re in another phase.

Oh Maryjane,

how deep are your thorns these days..?

Patrick Melrose

Binged this series recently. Can’t say it was a happy experience, but it was a good one. It made me feel. Benedict Cumberbatch was outstanding in the lead role, not discounting the script adaptation from the novels (I have not read them) and the direction. I highly recommend the series. Even when a show can be depressing, it’s still a great experience if it’s put together well.

It’s more about childhood trauma and how this can lead to addiction, than solely addiction itself.

The portrayal of addiction from different time periods is so piognant in this series. The few steps forward and the many steps backwards. Benedict captures the deep sense of loss, time and time again, the despair of being buried in the throws of continuous actions which we somehow fail to control – or conversely – somehow continue to seek out and repeat. Indeed simply the loss of time itself.

[Disclaimer: Apologize if these are spoilers]

I’m going to get clean
Are you sure?
Yes, people make such a big deal of these things sometimes
But what are you going to do instead?
Patrick Melrose, 2018

This is a scene, relatively early on and Patrick making a phone call at the airport, having come to a conclusion. When his confidant replies, there is a subtle pause, as he is left a little dumbfounded. For me, this little snippet kind of captured the sense of how much time has elapsed during the years I’ve wasted (to some extent).

What could have happened throughout those times, if they were different? Indeed, I sensed this pattern over and over again throughout the series, as I have done with the recollection of my own life.

However, ultimately, the bigger question I found myself asking, is what has lead me down this path? Is there some kind of trauma I have been struggling to be free of? Have I experienced something I am no longer aware of, something in childhood since buried by my psyche?

Patrick’s story is tragic, yet the reasons for it are somewhat clear – bereft and loveless family, and a torrent of abuse from his father, least of all sexual. The experiences he had lead to a cycle self-destruction which can make sense in ones eye’s.

These are not experiences I can resonate with. There was some trauma in my adolescence, the breakdown of my parent’s relationship has had a long-lasting affect on my own mental stability and identity. But I never conceived this in the same league as the despair of someone who has been abused.

And I do not condone the idea that one is compelled by nature to be self-destructive, or that any of my addictions are a disease. There are always choices. The weight of those choices may be heavy. The sense that there is no choice may be real. But I am never compelled to do anything. Sometimes, I choose to say fuck it. And many times, I have done so.

I choose to say, bury it, hide it, or forget it.

I actually believe this is to do with a concept of time. It is about living in the moment. Or the past. It is about some kind of inability to think about the future, about tomorrow, about change, or about growth.

Addiction is about a stagnant desire to kill the present and or, the past.

I once read a statement saying if you are depressed, you are living in the past, and if you are anxious, you are living in the future. There’s a little bit of truth in everything.

Focusing on time, on the time which is yet to pass, has helped me to see that my actions, here and now, affect my ability to enjoy life in the future. Focusing on building things in life which are separate from our vices is key.

It was only 6 weeks ago that the idea of walking to work was a difficult pill to swallow – what a waste of time? I want to get there now.

Only 6 weeks ago that I would rather lie on the lounge than do sit-ups and lift weights while I consumed TV shows.

Only 6 weeks ago that I would rather stay up another hour, eat another hamburger, have another beer. I just want a little more.

Only 6 weeks ago that I couldn’t conceive the idea of reading – it somehow felt like it wasn’t enough. You have to change the way you think about things to change your life. Every day, I’m reveling in the fact that each day I get a little closer to the change I want to see. And each day, I make these choices. It’s not always an easy decision. Discipline is not a trait, but a skill which much be practiced.

If you only focus on your addictions, they will always be a part of your life

As I write this, I’ve nearly finished a bottle of wine. Alcohol, however, has never held me. Sure, after I’ve had a few it can be very easy to choose to continue this bliss, this ignorance, even this euphoria. But it doesn’t carry the weight of my other addictions, it’s an appetite I choose to indulge – these days, less often than previously. Maybe this is growth.

Are you escaping from trauma? Is there something in life you are trying to forget? May I suggest that the truest way to let these things pass is to take control of your life and make the choices which you want to make. Every experience is a part of you. But not every experience need define you. Never make the mistake of thinking you are not the one in control. Not everything in your life is your fault. But everything in your life is your responsibility. And, if, right now, your choice is to indulge? Then do so pleasantly, and may you choose wisely tomorrow.

Every new day is a chance to make a change if you so desire.

the horizons are shifting

it’s been a long journey through the covid haze, and it’s not over yet. I chose to indulge, seeing as employment, leaving the house, and responsibility were at a minimum. One might say guilt-free indulgence. Maybe, for the first time ever. It wasn’t seen as a bad thing to hang around at home. So I did. For more than 6 months I just smoked weed, played video games, traded on the internet, had brekkie beers. Cooked indulgent breakfasts. Slept on the lounge.

is this the life I dreamt I wanted?

Ultimately, it became unfulfillable (is that even a word?) The more I attempted to enjoy what I was doing, the greater the realization that it was not a life I wanted to be consumed by, however fun it was for a time.

There’s more to life and you have to find it. It ain’t going to knock on your door. In fact, if you don’t go to find it, nothing will knock on your door and life will cease to amaze.

So, change the way you think. I think. This is my motto, right? This is what I’ve campaigned for, all along, that every damn day you make a choice, weighing up the pros, the cons, your mood, your desires. And every single time you are responsible for the possibility to change, improve, or simply enjoy your life more.

I don’t need to prove it to anybody. Nobody I know is aware of this blog. But I do need to prove it to myself.

I do believe in trauma. I do believe your past affects your future. However, it does not dictate your future, it just leads to making bad choices.

So, for not the first time. For the umpteenth time, I’m in the middle of a progression to something new. I’m actively drinking less. I’ve had several months off weed. Haven’t gone near any cocaine. I’m lifting weights. I’m walking to and from work some days. I’m eating salad. I’m still watching pornography.

And I made those choices. “make“

The good fight, is always still a fight. Life is perpetual. It’s ongoing. But those who don’t need to fight for life, for a life they desire, they live a life I’ve never known. Never forget that for most of us, nothing worth sustaining comes with ease. And if it does, be sure you’re awake enough to notice.

pornography

Around the time that I began puberty, the internet was well on its way. On a 56k modem, in the mid 90’s, I discovered what I thought was the pandoras box of adult content available online.

As my friend’s and I navigated the world of early high school, crushes, friends, erections, love and sex, the internet was there to provide us everything we were as of yet unable to attain in the real world. We were able to learn about female anatomy and how to please them, let alone how to manage our own desires.

You could buy a People magazine from the local Newsagent and the owner would say don’t tell your parents

However the eclectic and interesting world’s of these magazines were, the internet posed a different scene. You weren’t required to buy anything from anyone in person, though there might have been a disclaimer that you ‘must be of 18 years to enter this site’ and there was the rational mind of a 13 year fashioning the thought that there’s no way they can know…

So I began to view, download and enjoy softcore pictures of women. Various pornographic scenes, just beautiful women in a state of undress… I had kissed a girl in real life at this stage, but the internet was there to complete a fantasy of actually having sex.

The minute-by-minute loading of a picture on the internet became somewhat of a quench to my habitual desire to be involved with beautiful women. To see what I wasn’t able to see in real life, to imagine a fantasy that made up for what lacked in reality.

This was a common reality for many teenagers my age

But let’s not get bogged down in history. Over the course of a decade or more, advances in technology through the internet, film, data storage, and data transfer, the world of internet pornography changed forever. Stories and pictures became videos, cams and uploads.

I personally am not against the viewing and enjoyment of film/pictures of sexual nature. But in essence of ‘everything in moderation’ and a quiet behind those scenes look at personal relationships, there is a distinct possibility for pornographic material to be completely abused by young men which results in seriously unhealthy behaviour. I am, and continue, to be an example of this, but it is not a blame game, but should be a stance on education.

For over 20 years the viewing of pornographic material has changed the way I see sex, and caused me to become addicted to the viewing of women in various states, being felt up, examined, judged and ultimately used.

I had several serious relationships throughout this time (over a decade). My relationships were healthy for the most part, and our sexual nature was going by most people’s standard ‘normal’.

However, my release when I couldn’t have sex, was porn.

This probably rings true for many men… we’ve all been there, with an urge, a desire, and an opportunity to use one’s imagination.

Yet, the greatest fallacy of modern pornography is that it uses imagination. Because you don’t use it. The viewing of pornography (I will say for some, because I don’t know if it’s just me) is the very opposite to using your imagination. Pornography provides the scenario where women can be involved with you sexually, despite the reality that you are not.

It works directly against imagination.

And eventually starts to erode it.

Let me remind the reader that we are talking excessive use here. Excessive viewing. Addictive viewing. All the hallmarks of addiction begin to show their ugly heads at this point, you’re so far down the rabbit hole.

The rabbit hole begins to entice more intrusive, abusive, violent and degrading styles of porn.

The rabbithole is a depth of filth which can continue to get worse.

It was never that I preferred masturbation with porn to actual sex. It was just that one was much easier, much more accessible, and on tap. Sex with my partner was the paramount goal, but often required ‘effort’ to make it something special and interesting.

The dopamine release of an orgasm very similarly mirrored any other method of getting high. It became a daily and nightly addiction, viewing porn.

With porn, you just lie there, with your hand on your dick and viewed. It doesn’t matter what mood you are in, you’ll get there eventually. And gradually, you’d get there quicker and quicker. Sometimes, it wouldn’t even take a minute before you’re achieving ejaculation, not quite orgasm,

Aaaand dopamine release. Ahhhh…. … But hey, you didn’t actually reach orgasm, so, you could just keep going and reach it next.

This paradigm paved the way for one of the most forceful pronounced addictions of my life – which slowly lead to long term consequences. How might you ask? Sometimes I would masturbate upwards of 10 times on a day off when I was at home feeling sorry for myself.

Every morning, morning wood. Good time for porn,

Every night, nobody to sleep with? Good time for porn,

Feeling lonely? Good time for porn.

More than any other addiction, pornography invaded my life

I saw women differently. When they wanted sex, how they wanted sex. But more to the point, it changed how I wanted sex. What I wanted sex to be.

Sex ceased to be a union between two people, and just became mechanism for me to get off. A mechanism to use.

It still is. I’ve not yet recovered from this paradigm which slowly changed everything I know about intimacy. Actually, from a sexual point of view, I no longer understand real intimacy.

All the current research is that as you reduce your exposure to this type of material, you can claw back your humanity and sexuality. But it is a process, and does not happen overnight. Excessive consumption of pornography began to sexualize everything in my life. It’s a fucking sentence of despair, and began to convolute everything.

The penis became the unique and sole representation of masculinity. My penis is not as big as the pornstars I viewed. Over time I conditioned and condemned myself to feel inferior to men with huge penises and how they effected women. Women want large penises right? How could a smaller penis ever satisfy a woman who has seen larger? I wanted to see the woman want and enjoy the dick. I became more interested in dicks than I was before.

Porn made me I question my own sexuality

Over the course of many years it migrated from enjoying the viewing of beautiful women in various states of undress – to enjoying watching them being used as an object for the man’s desire (for my desire). The penis began to play a dominant part of the pornography I viewed. I found myself getting off to things I would never witness nor contribute to in real life.

There needs to be clear education that the excessive use of pornography can become extremely detrimental to people who are not also balancing it with real connections and relationships.

Excessive use of pornography is a possible addiction for many people (surely it is not limited to men), and it has very real consequences. For me the biggest one is lack of intimacy and erectile dysfunction in normal situations.

But the essence of sex between two people as a union of souls, as a method of feeling and understanding, is still a challenge. As I try to erode the mentality of using the girl in front of me, I hope to one day have a real relationship again.

disconnect

Being disconnected from people who can help you step past this point in your life is one of the many reasons you stay put.

This is the tough bit. The bit that perpetuates the entire process of addiction. Making decisions, alone, which are rarely in one’s best interests.

It often feels too hard to start again. Every time we relapse. Forget where we are, and before we know it, find ourselves halfway down a road we shouldn’t be on, alone. We likely made it here by ourselves, unbeknownst to anyone who knows and cares, and against any advice they could provide. And these next decisions we make, are ones we make on our own. They’re a give in. A surrender, to the ease of staying where we are.

I didn’t fight hard enough.

It’s so fucking hard to fight yourself. To want to do something, to feel like doing something, to know you should do something. These things should coincide. They aren’t separate commodities that exist on their own. They represent you and your discipline.

Yet, instead of being a simple process, sometimes the addict might find themselves feeling like getting high. Wanting to get high, and knowing they should not. It’s being consistently torn on a daily basis to behave in certain ways.

Addiction happens on your own. Obviously two or more people can go down the same road together, but at some point, these decisions become internal.

it’s not a difficulty which only addicts face

But for some reason, we find it harder to fight that internal battle. For me, I find it harder when I’m alone, and I feel like everything is pointless. There’s an element of ‘fuck it’ which creeps into every decision, as if momentum in life just disappears and nothing else matters.

Fuck it. It’s so easy to say it on my own.

I let it happen. Nobody else was involved

Here is where we get to the point of this blog. The paradox of addiction is we’ve been lead to believe that it’s out of our control.

It’s all me. I made the fucking choice to do it. Maybe I’m aware of the edge, but I leapt off, thinking only of the short-term. It’s like being full but still going for that extra piece of chicken. It’s indulgence.

Addiction is the absence of connection
Johann Hari

Self-sabotage? Maybe. I don’t think anyone really wanted to lead their life down a road which could lead them to despair. But we damn well ignored the signs on the way.

relapse

Somewhere along the line of progress, appears regression. Nothing is permanent, everything changes. Progress ebbs forward and grows… and then it will occasionally about turn and completely disappear.

Need to stop inferring that this was in some way out of my control…

I let it happen.

Returning from a holiday I smoked some weed, and over the course of a number of weeks have become completely consumed by the smoke. It’s a familiar pattern, a familiar cycle… a place which could be called a psychological home. I let it happen. I knew it would happen, though I told myself it wouldn’t. Every day, it gradually began to consume and effect everything.

It feels like a conundrum to note that I like getting stoned, but in reality it’s the same weak conundrum any addict of a drug is facing – it’s that everything else in your life begins to drown because you’re always high or getting high. It’s not sustainable. It’s detrimental.

I had many opportunities to halt the decline, to break free, but I simply didn’t choose to.

You’ve got to be strong enough to make a choice.

I’ve had to make it many times.

Tomorrow I will make it again.

Always tomorrow.

self love

One of the few keys necessary to fighting anything within. To win, to overcome what you may be struggling with – to have the willpower to try.

If you don’t care enough to try, then you won’t succeed in defeating an addiction

Have you ever felt defeated? Been through a period of depression, or struggled to deal with something in life? This period may have been the toughest to avoid a compulsive move, some addictive behaviour. For me, these were the times I said ‘fuck it’, ‘I don’t care’ … these were the times I found it easiest to give in to the desire to smoke or gamble. Or both. The desire to dig a hole. To destroy what I wasn’t enjoying, and essentially what I wasn’t enjoying was my life. It was really difficult to separate a current feeling, something felt in momentum, to what was real and consistent and long term. How I felt right then, was how life actually really was.

These were the times I sucked back on a cigarette. Many cigarettes, over and over again. Somehow, comforted, by the fact that I was slowly ending my life. Times when I threw caution into the trashcan and gambled with all the available money I could get my hands onto.

Winning wasn’t a goal – it was a potential side effect of subtly trying to destroy myself

There’s a lot of discussion around about having self-love. Learning to love yourself, unconditionally. With or without fault (surely, we are all with – in some way or another), essentially we need to accept who we are.

“Accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.”
Serenity prayer

Regardless of the saturation of this somewhat cliched quote, there is so much weight behind it. It goes back to the very core of your existence, of your life, of who you think you are. You need to understand and accept, to move forward, to change.

Are you worth the effort? You have to believe so. You have to want to change, want to fight. Because with the toughest addictions, giving in will always be easier than making a stance.

Find a reason to care about yourself. Find a reason to believe that you’re worth it, worth the fight. These reasons provide the structure for your willpower to find it’s feet, for you to actually find the self fortitude to make the decisions you want to make, make the decisions which can help you change your life. Through despair it is easy to destroy yourself. However, changing the way you think about these things can help you re-focus your energies..

Anger is a gift
‘Freedom’ – Rage Against the Machine

Harness your strong feelings, whatever they are, be it hate, anger, frustration, depression.. Regardless if these are towards yourself or others, these are strong feelings which have an immense effect on your body. They are permitting you to act in ways which are harming you. These are effecting your thoughts, outlook, movement and strength. You must find the will power to utilize these strong feelings for your benefit.

Turning these thoughts into some kind of self-motivation can eventually turn these things into self love. Into reasons why you would change your life, change your actions, want to live life differently.

Anger can become strength or endurance – lift weights! Run around the block! I can’t begin to stress the self worth these two actions begin to generate…

Hate can become love – the things you hate about other people are often things you hate about yourself. Analyse these and turn your feelings of hate into the opposite, after all the two feelings require the same effort with the opposing results…

Frustrated with something? Discuss with a friend and have them help you break this down to its core. It’s probably easier to combat than you realize.

Depressed? You are feeling the past. The future is unwritten. You cannot feel bad about it before it happens. Make the move NOW to start feeling differently tomorrow. It may be incremental, but all progress is!

Find a way to love yourself and truly believe you are worth the fight to change. Fighting an addiction can be a long-term battle. Sometimes you feel like you’re there, sometimes you feel like you’ve overcome it. But it can reappear when you least expect it, when you let your guard down. You don’t need an everlasting guard, but you do need everlasting self love. Change the way you think, about life, love and yourself. You have to believe that you are worth it.