Twenty Years

Many years, it took, to train my brain to dig, fight and yearn for the dopamine high. It’s not a disease. It’s a habit. A learned behaviour. Like a mouse to the buzzer. Repeated rewards. Repetitive chasing. Longing for that hit. It wasn’t always drugs. It may have been a video game. It may have been a lolly. But it is the SAME HIGH

it may take me twenty years to reverse this habit

It’s not even about getting high. Or getting off. Or chasing dreams. It’s just the pleasure centre all fucked up in my head. I fucked it up. Genetics, maybe. But, behaviour, for sure. I can’t do anything unless there is instant – or short-term – gratification.

Saving over time? Fuck that, I struggle.

Planning for the future? Planning is fun. Letting it eventuate is not.

Waiting until tomorrow? Get real, I’ll take now thanks.

Go to sleep to make tomorrow better? I’ll fight that idea.

Now. I want it now. I need it now.

Even progressive music which builds slowly is comprised of small additional changes over time which give me short term rewards while it builds to climax.

Twenty years it took to get here. I don’t have twenty years to come back from this. I’ll need to do it faster than that.

I need to do it now.