SHAME

I feel it often. It’s an insidious feeling that I cannot quite understand. I am ashamed of my past. I am ashamed of my progress in life.

Ashamed to be, by definition, stuck in the same place.

I cycle through phases, round and round through old routines, and rarely break the mould.

Actually, it’s a combination of shame, regret and embarassment.

I’m not overtly morally reprehensible. But I’m ashamed that for many years I’ve hidden behind my addictions. In the midst of the weed swamp, I see mist all around. Mist, dampens the detail, but it doesn’t completely hide reality.

Ashamed that I didn’t want to focus hard enough to see through the clouds

I saw through, I saw my errors, I felt my neglect. Is there an excuse? What level of awareness am I responsible for? Can I be absolved for knowing that I’ve been neglecting responsibility and duty, neglecting people I care about, because there are clouds obscuring the view?

How do you properly explain that I just wanted to get off. I suppose, I was self-medicating. I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to feel good.

I just wanted to avoid the challenge life was presenting. It’s been easier to hide and avoid and get high than it ever was to face the reality of what I might need to do to progress. Shame becomes a cycle. I’m ashamed to admit it.

I REGRET that I’ve let relationships sour. I REGRET that I’ve not been present. And I’m fucking embarassed to still be here.

It’s not too late to turn up. The people who care, they’ve been waiting. Some, not on the whim, but maybe just the hope, that one day, you might come around. That you might you show up. That you might give it another go.

Fuck shame.

It’s a thin veil that does not comfort. Nothing can come from entertaining this feeling. But there may be people close by who can help you past it. They are probably worth the attempt. Give it a go.