Regret

We’re surrounded by debris of the past… thinking about what could have been. What should have been. I am lost in my current position. Regret is a strong emotion. Apparently, if you’re feeling it, you’re living in the past. You’re remembering decisions and actions which you no longer have the power to affect. I can’t change these now. And I know this, but still I dwell… I dwell on my actions in history.

I cannot forget the mistakes I made.

Countless decisions, some of the same decisions made over and over again. Decisions, which, I probably would have known better to not make, if I chose to care. These were not decisions I made to better my life.

Decisions I made because fuck it

These were decisions I made because I chose not to care. Decisions I made because fuck this and fuck that. Decisions I made at the end of my tether. Choices which were apt at a time that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to choose wisely. I was angry, or frustrated.

I led myself down this road.

Usually, the anger is about circumstances of my life. They’re usually circumstances which I can no longer control. YET, the decisions I made in my life lead up to this instance. Indirectly, I chose to be here, and I can no longer properly control this situation, so fuck it, let’s get drunk.

Alcohol. The ever-growing crux of an addict. All the other things are worse, right?

I was never even compelled by alcohol. Yet how it’s allowed me to make so many poor decisions throughout my life.

Where do I begin and where do I end? Somewhere within the abyss of choice, I exist as a soul who just wants some stability in this world of madness. I am lost. I am undecided. I am unsure. What would it be like to be sure? What is it like to know what you want, to know where you want to be? Is this a lack of emotional maturity? Is this a lack of motivation or drive? Is this simply a cross roads, and if so, how many times must I cross them, until I find a clear path?

I regret many of my past decisions. I regret where I am. I even regret who I am; because my choices lead me here to who I am. I am an embodiment of regret. That’s bad, right?

How do you plan for the future? I’m never in it for the long game. I’m in it for the now game. This is a fundamental reason why I’m so bad at life.

A life lesson, there.