Patrick Melrose

Binged this series recently. Can’t say it was a happy experience, but it was a good one. It made me feel. Benedict Cumberbatch was outstanding in the lead role, not discounting the script adaptation from the novels (I have not read them) and the direction. I highly recommend the series. Even when a show can be depressing, it’s still a great experience if it’s put together well.

It’s more about childhood trauma and how this can lead to addiction, than solely addiction itself.

The portrayal of addiction from different time periods is so piognant in this series. The few steps forward and the many steps backwards. Benedict captures the deep sense of loss, time and time again, the despair of being buried in the throws of continuous actions which we somehow fail to control – or conversely – somehow continue to seek out and repeat. Indeed simply the loss of time itself.

[Disclaimer: Apologize if these are spoilers]

I’m going to get clean

Are you sure?

Yes, people make such a big deal of these things sometimes

But what are you going to do instead?

Patrick Melrose, 2018

This is a scene, relatively early on and Patrick making a phone call at the airport, having come to a conclusion. When his confidant replies, there is a subtle pause, as he is left a little dumbfounded. For me, this little snippet kind of captured the sense of how much time has elapsed during the years I’ve wasted (to some extent).

What could have happened throughout those times, if they were different? Indeed, I sensed this pattern over and over again throughout the series, as I have done with the recollection of my own life.

However, ultimately, the bigger question I found myself asking, is what has lead me down this path? Is there some kind of trauma I have been struggling to be free of? Have I experienced something I am no longer aware of, something in childhood since buried by my psyche?

Patrick’s story is tragic, yet the reasons for it are somewhat clear – bereft and loveless family, and a torrent of abuse from his father, least of all sexual. The experiences he had lead to a cycle self-destruction which can make sense in ones eye’s.

These are not experiences I can resonate with. There was some trauma in my adolescence, the breakdown of my parent’s relationship has had a long-lasting affect on my own mental stability and identity. But I never conceived this in the same league as the despair of someone who has been abused.

And I do not condone the idea that one is compelled by nature to be self-destructive, or that any of my addictions are a disease. There are always choices. The weight of those choices may be heavy. The sense that there is no choice may be real. But I am never compelled to do anything. Sometimes, I choose to say fuck it. And many times, I have done so.

I choose to say, bury it, hide it, or forget it.

I actually believe this is to do with a concept of time. It is about living in the moment. Or the past. It is about some kind of inability to think about the future, about tomorrow, about change, or about growth.

Addiction is about a stagnant desire to kill the present and or, the past.

I once read a statement saying if you are depressed, you are living in the past, and if you are anxious, you are living in the future. There’s a little bit of truth in everything.

Focusing on time, on the time which is yet to pass, has helped me to see that my actions, here and now, affect my ability to enjoy life in the future. Focusing on building things in life which are separate from our vices is key.

It was only 6 weeks ago that the idea of walking to work was a difficult pill to swallow – what a waste of time? I want to get there now.

Only 6 weeks ago that I would rather lie on the lounge than do sit-ups and lift weights while I consumed TV shows.

Only 6 weeks ago that I would rather stay up another hour, eat another hamburger, have another beer. I just want a little more.

Only 6 weeks ago that I couldn’t conceive the idea of reading – it somehow felt like it wasn’t enough. You have to change the way you think about things to change your life. Every day, I’m reveling in the fact that each day I get a little closer to the change I want to see. And each day, I make these choices. It’s not always an easy decision. Discipline is not a trait, but a skill which much be practiced.

If you only focus on your addictions, they will always be a part of your life

As I write this, I’ve nearly finished a bottle of wine. Alcohol, however, has never held me. Sure, after I’ve had a few it can be very easy to choose to continue this bliss, this ignorance, even this euphoria. But it doesn’t carry the weight of my other addictions, it’s an appetite I choose to indulge – these days, less often than previously. Maybe this is growth.

Are you escaping from trauma? Is there something in life you are trying to forget? May I suggest that the truest way to let these things pass is to take control of your life and make the choices which you want to make. Every experience is a part of you. But not every experience need define you. Never make the mistake of thinking you are not the one in control. Not everything in your life is your fault. But everything in your life is your responsibility. And, if, right now, your choice is to indulge? Then do so pleasantly, and may you choose wisely tomorrow.

Every new day is a chance to make a change if you so desire.