the horizons are shifting

it’s been a long journey through the covid haze, and it’s not over yet. I chose to indulge, seeing as employment, leaving the house, and responsibility were at a minimum. One might say guilt-free indulgence. Maybe, for the first time ever. It wasn’t seen as a bad thing to hang around at home. So I did. For more than 6 months I just smoked weed, played video games, traded on the internet, had brekkie beers. Cooked indulgent breakfasts. Slept on the lounge.

is this the life I dreamt I wanted?

Ultimately, it became unfulfillable (is that even a word?) The more I attempted to enjoy what I was doing, the greater the realization that it was not a life I wanted to be consumed by, however fun it was for a time.

There’s more to life and you have to find it. It ain’t going to knock on your door. In fact, if you don’t go to find it, nothing will knock on your door and life will cease to amaze.

So, change the way you think. I think. This is my motto, right? This is what I’ve campaigned for, all along, that every damn day you make a choice, weighing up the pros, the cons, your mood, your desires. And every single time you are responsible for the possibility to change, improve, or simply enjoy your life more.

I don’t need to prove it to anybody. Nobody I know is aware of this blog. But I do need to prove it to myself.

I do believe in trauma. I do believe your past affects your future. However, it does not dictate your future, it just leads to making bad choices.

So, for not the first time. For the umpteenth time, I’m in the middle of a progression to something new. I’m actively drinking less. I’ve had several months off weed. Haven’t gone near any cocaine. I’m lifting weights. I’m walking to and from work some days. I’m eating salad. I’m still watching pornography.

And I made those choices. “make“

The good fight, is always still a fight. Life is perpetual. It’s ongoing. But those who don’t need to fight for life, for a life they desire, they live a life I’ve never known. Never forget that for most of us, nothing worth sustaining comes with ease. And if it does, be sure you’re awake enough to notice.