pornography

Around the time that I began puberty, the internet was well on its way. On a 56k modem, in the mid 90’s, I discovered what I thought was the pandoras box of adult content available online.

As my friend’s and I navigated the world of early high school, crushes, friends, erections, love and sex, the internet was there to provide us everything we were as of yet unable to attain in the real world. We were able to learn about female anatomy and how to please them, let alone how to manage our own desires.

You could buy a People magazine from the local Newsagent and the owner would say don’t tell your parents

However the eclectic and interesting world’s of these magazines were, the internet posed a different scene. You weren’t required to buy anything from anyone in person, though there might have been a disclaimer that you ‘must be of 18 years to enter this site’ and there was the rational mind of a 13 year fashioning the thought that there’s no way they can know…

So I began to view, download and enjoy softcore pictures of women. Various pornographic scenes, just beautiful women in a state of undress… I had kissed a girl in real life at this stage, but the internet was there to complete a fantasy of actually having sex.

The minute-by-minute loading of a picture on the internet became somewhat of a quench to my habitual desire to be involved with beautiful women. To see what I wasn’t able to see in real life, to imagine a fantasy that made up for what lacked in reality.

This was a common reality for many teenagers my age

But let’s not get bogged down in history. Over the course of a decade or more, advances in technology through the internet, film, data storage, and data transfer, the world of internet pornography changed forever. Stories and pictures became videos, cams and uploads.

I personally am not against the viewing and enjoyment of film/pictures of sexual nature. But in essence of ‘everything in moderation’ and a quiet behind those scenes look at personal relationships, there is a distinct possibility for pornographic material to be completely abused by young men which results in seriously unhealthy behaviour. I am, and continue, to be an example of this, but it is not a blame game, but should be a stance on education.

For over 20 years the viewing of pornographic material has changed the way I see sex, and caused me to become addicted to the viewing of women in various states, being felt up, examined, judged and ultimately used.

I had several serious relationships throughout this time (over a decade). My relationships were healthy for the most part, and our sexual nature was going by most people’s standard ‘normal’.

However, my release when I couldn’t have sex, was porn.

This probably rings true for many men… we’ve all been there, with an urge, a desire, and an opportunity to use one’s imagination.

Yet, the greatest fallacy of modern pornography is that it uses imagination. Because you don’t use it. The viewing of pornography (I will say for some, because I don’t know if it’s just me) is the very opposite to using your imagination. Pornography provides the scenario where women can be involved with you sexually, despite the reality that you are not.

It works directly against imagination.

And eventually starts to erode it.

Let me remind the reader that we are talking excessive use here. Excessive viewing. Addictive viewing. All the hallmarks of addiction begin to show their ugly heads at this point, you’re so far down the rabbit hole.

The rabbit hole begins to entice more intrusive, abusive, violent and degrading styles of porn.

The rabbithole is a depth of filth which can continue to get worse.

It was never that I preferred masturbation with porn to actual sex. It was just that one was much easier, much more accessible, and on tap. Sex with my partner was the paramount goal, but often required ‘effort’ to make it something special and interesting.

The dopamine release of an orgasm very similarly mirrored any other method of getting high. It became a daily and nightly addiction, viewing porn.

With porn, you just lie there, with your hand on your dick and viewed. It doesn’t matter what mood you are in, you’ll get there eventually. And gradually, you’d get there quicker and quicker. Sometimes, it wouldn’t even take a minute before you’re achieving ejaculation, not quite orgasm,

Aaaand dopamine release. Ahhhh…. … But hey, you didn’t actually reach orgasm, so, you could just keep going and reach it next.

This paradigm paved the way for one of the most forceful pronounced addictions of my life – which slowly lead to long term consequences. How might you ask? Sometimes I would masturbate upwards of 10 times on a day off when I was at home feeling sorry for myself.

Every morning, morning wood. Good time for porn,

Every night, nobody to sleep with? Good time for porn,

Feeling lonely? Good time for porn.

More than any other addiction, pornography invaded my life

I saw women differently. When they wanted sex, how they wanted sex. But more to the point, it changed how I wanted sex. What I wanted sex to be.

Sex ceased to be a union between two people, and just became mechanism for me to get off. A mechanism to use.

It still is. I’ve not yet recovered from this paradigm which slowly changed everything I know about intimacy. Actually, from a sexual point of view, I no longer understand real intimacy.

All the current research is that as you reduce your exposure to this type of material, you can claw back your humanity and sexuality. But it is a process, and does not happen overnight. Excessive consumption of pornography began to sexualize everything in my life. It’s a fucking sentence of despair, and began to convolute everything.

The penis became the unique and sole representation of masculinity. My penis is not as big as the pornstars I viewed. Over time I conditioned and condemned myself to feel inferior to men with huge penises and how they effected women. Women want large penises right? How could a smaller penis ever satisfy a woman who has seen larger? I wanted to see the woman want and enjoy the dick. I became more interested in dicks than I was before.

Porn made me I question my own sexuality

Over the course of many years it migrated from enjoying the viewing of beautiful women in various states of undress – to enjoying watching them being used as an object for the man’s desire (for my desire). The penis began to play a dominant part of the pornography I viewed. I found myself getting off to things I would never witness nor contribute to in real life.

There needs to be clear education that the excessive use of pornography can become extremely detrimental to people who are not also balancing it with real connections and relationships.

Excessive use of pornography is a possible addiction for many people (surely it is not limited to men), and it has very real consequences. For me the biggest one is lack of intimacy and erectile dysfunction in normal situations.

But the essence of sex between two people as a union of souls, as a method of feeling and understanding, is still a challenge. As I try to erode the mentality of using the girl in front of me, I hope to one day have a real relationship again.