disconnect

Being disconnected from people who can help you step past this point in your life is one of the many reasons you stay put.

This is the tough bit. The bit that perpetuates the entire process of addiction. Making decisions, alone, which are rarely in one’s best interests.

It often feels too hard to start again. Every time we relapse. Forget where we are, and before we know it, find ourselves halfway down a road we shouldn’t be on, alone. We likely made it here by ourselves, unbeknownst to anyone who knows and cares, and against any advice they could provide. And these next decisions we make, are ones we make on our own. They’re a give in. A surrender, to the ease of staying where we are.

I didn’t fight hard enough.

It’s so fucking hard to fight yourself. To want to do something, to feel like doing something, to know you should do something. These things should coincide. They aren’t separate commodities that exist on their own. They represent you and your discipline.

Yet, instead of being a simple process, sometimes the addict might find themselves feeling like getting high. Wanting to get high, and knowing they should not. It’s being consistently torn on a daily basis to behave in certain ways.

Addiction happens on your own. Obviously two or more people can go down the same road together, but at some point, these decisions become internal.

it’s not a difficulty which only addicts face

But for some reason, we find it harder to fight that internal battle. For me, I find it harder when I’m alone, and I feel like everything is pointless. There’s an element of ‘fuck it’ which creeps into every decision, as if momentum in life just disappears and nothing else matters.

Fuck it. It’s so easy to say it on my own.

I let it happen. Nobody else was involved

Here is where we get to the point of this blog. The paradox of addiction is we’ve been lead to believe that it’s out of our control.

It’s all me. I made the fucking choice to do it. Maybe I’m aware of the edge, but I leapt off, thinking only of the short-term. It’s like being full but still going for that extra piece of chicken. It’s indulgence.

Addiction is the absence of connection

Johann Hari

Self-sabotage? Maybe. I don’t think anyone really wanted to lead their life down a road which could lead them to despair. But we damn well ignored the signs on the way.